i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
she looked like the before picture.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
