Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
