Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
