What a fucking waste of an outfit
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize