Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
