pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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