The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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