How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
