it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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