I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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