I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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