The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
