White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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