I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
