come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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