just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
