I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Randomize
