theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I'm passing your future prison.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
50% drunk capacity currently
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
