We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Randomize
