When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
