Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
