It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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