dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
