So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Randomize
