I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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