Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
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