I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
