I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
It was confusing and full of hummus
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Randomize
