i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
