I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize