So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
