It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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