I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
