I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Randomize
