Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
handjob tips. give me some.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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