i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
