you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
