she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
The maid of honor just puked.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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