Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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