my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
