i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
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