Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
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