Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
