i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize