I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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