If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
