his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Randomize
