He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
