U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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