Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
