The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
