i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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