Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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