hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize