everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
And then he peed in my hair
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