I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
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