i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
