either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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