please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
