Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
