fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
